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Ron Swanson Quotes
- When I eat, it is the food that is scared.
- There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.
- Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong.
- Dear frozen yogurt, you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or be nothing. Zero stars.
- I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win, and when I don’t, I get furious.
- I’m not interested in caring about people.
If there were more food and fewer people, this would be a perfect party.
Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.
Next thing you want to do is ditch the terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless.
There are three acceptable haircuts: high and tight, crew cut, buzz cut.
Birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.
There are only three ways to motivate people: money, fear, and hunger.
On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.
When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.
Normally, if given the choice between doing something and nothing, I’d choose to do nothing. But I will do something if it helps someone else do nothing. I’d work all night, if it meant nothing got done.
It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.
The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy.
Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.
Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.
Great job, everyone. The reception will be held in each of our individual houses, alone.
Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait … I worry what you heard was, ‘Give me a lot of bacon and eggs.’ What I said was, give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?
My first ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My second ex-wife’s name is Tammy. My Mom’s name is Tamara…she goes by Tammy.
I’ve cried twice in my life. Once when I was 7 and hit by a school bus. And then again when I heard that Li’l Sebastian had passed.
Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.
I call this turf ‘n’ turf. It’s a 16-ounce T-bone and a 24-ounce porterhouse. Also, whiskey and a cigar. I am going to consume all of this at the same time because I am a free American.
There has never been a sadness that can’t been cured by breakfast food.
I’m a simple man. I like pretty, dark-haired women and breakfast food.
No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half-eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.
Strippers do nothing for me…but I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, anyplace.
One rage every three months is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.
That is a canvas sheet, the most versatile object known to man. It can be used to make tents, backpacks, shoes, stretchers, sails, tarpaulins, and I suppose, in the most dire of circumstances, it can be a surface on which to make art.
It’s pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can go outside and stand in it.
I regret nothing. The end.
My dream is to have the park system privatized and run entirely for profit by corporations, like Chuck E. Cheese. They have an impeccable business model. I would rather work for Chuck E. Cheese.
I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.
If any of you need anything at all, too bad. Deal with your problems yourselves, like adults.
The government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer’s teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.
[On bowling] Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.
I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.
History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.
Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish…and feed yourself. He’s a grown man. And fishing’s not that hard.
America: The only country that matters. If you want to experience other ‘cultures,’ use an atlas or a ham radio.
Sting like a bee. Do not float like a butterfly. That’s ridiculous.
Give 100%. 110% is impossible. Only idiots recommend that.
I like saying ‘No,’ it lowers their enthusiasm.
You had me at ‘Meat Tornado.’
Capitalism: God’s way of determining who is smart and who is poor.
Turkey can never beat cow.
Fishing is for sport only. Fish meat is practically a vegetable.
Breakfast food can serve many purposes.
My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he’s allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe…when he desires them.
Friends: one to three is sufficient.
There is only one bad word: taxes.
Any dog under fifty pounds is a cat and cats are useless.
OK, everyone: shut up! And look at me!
