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Michael Scott Quotes
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Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? … I really can’t say, but yes!
Guess what? I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So, sue me.
Webster’s Dictionary defines a wedding as The fusing of two metals with a hot torch.
No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.
Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.
Do I have a special someone? Well, yeah of course. A bunch of ’em. My employees.
An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.
There were these huge bins of clothes and everybody was rifling through them like crazy. And I grabbed one and it fit! So, I don’t think that this is totally just a woman’s suit. At the very least it’s bisexual.
They say on your deathbed you never wish you spent more time at the office — but I will.
Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order.
The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary, and they’d come down and they’d suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!
The most sacred thing I do is care and provide for my workers, my family. I give them money. I give them food. Not directly, but through the money.
Well, it’s love at first sight. Actually, it was… No, it was when I heard her voice. It was love at first see with my ears.
I feel like all my kids grew up, and then they married each other. It’s every parents’ dream.
I wanna be married and have 100 kids so I can have 100 friends, and no one can say ‘no’ to being my friend.
Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.
And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.
You know what they say, ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice…strike three.’
When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok?
Now, you may look around and see two groups here. White-collar, blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way. And you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
I have caused. It is beCAUSE I hate him.
And I’m optimistic because every day I get a little more desperate.
I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.
I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.
I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So, I’m wise and I have worms.
I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.
Society teaches us that having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
There’s no such thing as an appropriate joke. That’s why it’s called a joke.
I’m not superstitious but I am a little stitious.
Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.
I am Beyonce, always.
Number 8. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks.
I say dance, they say ‘How high?’
I love my employees even though I hit one of you with my car.
Presents are the best way to show how much you care. It’s a tangible thing you can point at and say, ‘Hey man, I love you. This many dollar worth.’
I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.
There is no greater feeling than when two people who are perfect for each other overcome all obstacles and find true love.
Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.
Like right here is my favorite New York pizza joint. And I’m going to go get me a New York slice.
I want you to rub butter on my foot…Pam, please? I have Country Crock.
That’s what she said!
I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.
Nobody likes beets, Dwight! Why don’t you grow something that everybody does like? You should grow candy.
It takes you thirty seconds to brush your teeth? Wow that’s ten times as long as it takes me.
Toby is in HR which technically means he works for corporate. So, he’s not really a part of our family. Also, he’s divorced… so he’s not really a part of his family.
Yes, it is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username. And I have a great one. Little Kid Lover. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Sometimes you have to take a break from being the kind of boss that’s always trying to teach people things. Sometimes you just have to be the boss of dancing.
If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.
People will never be replaced by machines. In the end, life and business are about human connections. And computers are about trying to murder you in a lake. And to me the choice is easy.
Jan is cold. If she was sitting across from you on a train and she wasn’t moving, you might think she was dead.
I’ve got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.
I don’t come up with this stuff, I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.
The people that you work with are, when you get down to it, your very best friends.
Granted, maybe this was not the best idea, but at least we care enough about our employees that we are willing to fight for them.
Friends joke with one another. ‘Hey, you’re poor.’ ‘Hey, your momma’s dead.’ That’s what friends do.
Pizza: the great equalizer.
I am Michael, and I am part English, Irish, German, and Scottish…sort of a virtual United Nations.
About 40 times a year, Michael gets sick but has no symptoms. Dwight is always gravely concerned.
My mind is going a mile an hour.
I’m sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans!
It just seems awfully mean. But sometimes, the ends justify the mean.
Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.
Top Ten Best Michael Scott Quotes
- I had a great summer. I got the west nile virus, lost a ton of weight. Then I went back to the lake. And I stepped on a piece of glass in the parking lot, which hurt. That got infected. Even though I peed on it…
- I would not miss it for the world. But if something else came up I would definitely not go.
- This is our receptionist, Pam. If you think she’s cute now you should have seen her a couple years ago.
- I took her to the hospital. And the doctors tried to save her life, they did the best they could. And she is going to be okay.
- Ok, too many different words from coming at me from too many different sentences.
- I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.
- Hi, I’m Date Mike. Nice to meet me. How do you like your eggs in the morning?
- It is St. Patrick’s Day….It is the closest that the Irish will ever get to Christmas.
- When I said that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don’t come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.
- I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.
It’s a pimple, Phyllis. Avril Lavigne gets them all the time and she rocks harder than anyone alive.
Is there something besides ‘Mexican’ you prefer to be called? Something less offensive?
Don’t ever, for any reason, do anything for anyone, for any reason, ever, no matter what. No matter where. Or who, or who you are with, or where you are going or… or where you’ve been… ever. For any reason, whatsoever.
No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs…Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?
Abraham Lincoln once said that, ‘If you’re a racist, I will attack you with the North.’ And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.
They say that your wedding day goes by in such a flash that you’re lucky if you even get a piece of your own cake. I say that’s crazy. I say let them eat cake. Margaret Thatcher said that about marriage. Smart broad.
Two weeks ago, I was in the worst relationship of my life. She treated me poorly, we didn’t connect, I was miserable. Now, I am in the best relationship of my life, with the same woman. Love is a mystery.
Here it is, heart of New York City, Times Square… named for the good times you have when you’re in it.
I guess the attitude that I’ve tried to create here is that I’m a friend first and a boss second and probably an entertainer third.
If you don’t like it, Stanley, you can go to the back of the bus…Or the front of the bus or drive the bus.
If you break that girl’s heart, I will kill you. That’s just a figure of speech. But seriously, if you break that girl’s heart, I will literally kill you and your entire family.
Reverse psychology is an awesome tool. I don’t know if you guys know about it, but, basically, you make someone think the opposite of what you believe. And that tricks them into doing something stupid. Works like a charm.
How to take off a woman’s bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks.
You will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is President! You are black, Stanley!
I don’t want any special treatment, Pam. I just want you to treat me like you would some family member who’s undergone some sort of serious physical trauma. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I want today to be a beautiful memory that the staff and I share after I have passed on to New York. And if Toby is a part of it, then it’ll suck.
I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?
That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here.
Oh, this is gonna feel so good getting this thing off my chest… that’s what she said.
Oh, look! A Sbarro. My favorite New York pizza joint. And I’m going to go get me a New York slice!
You may look around and see two groups here: white collar, blue collar. But I don’t see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar-blind.
Well, well, well, how the turntables.
We’re all homos. Homo… Sapiens.
You cheated on me? When I specifically asked you not to?
I have got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this.